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More Predictions for the Near Future and Beyond

Jason — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 16:28:32 +0000

By Jason M. Vaughn

(NOTE: Please consult my prior “predictions” to get caught up on the Asimo thread.)

The Rolling Stones’ twelfth “farewell” tour, the Seriously; We’re Not Kidding This Time tour, will actually turn out to be their second to last tour.

A year after being shot by that Mexico-border patrolman, Asimo will be secretly rebuilt in a government bunker somewhere in the Southwestern United States. He will quickly escape, however, and those he leaves in his wake will come to known him by three names: Asimo the Vengeful; Dark Asimo; and Asimo, the Humanoid Who Won’t Shake Your Hand.

The Super Nanny, getting on in years, will be thrown through a concrete wall by one of those new synthetic toddlers.

“Frak” will be adopted into the mainstream English lexicon, and used with an almost reckless abandon until it’s finally labeled a bad word.

After the release of his twenty-third album, Trapped in Another Closet—No, Scratch That; It’s the Same Damn Closet, R. Kelly will receive some unfavorable attention when he goes into a sex-bot shop, orders the youngest Barely-Legal model they’ve got and says, “How much to make it five years younger?”

Suddenly overwhelmed with guilt, after months of raping and pillaging and not shaking hands with people, Dark Asimo will stop into an Arizona church and give his confession. The priest will faint. (cont.)

Category: Culture
Year: General
Tags: rollingstones, humor, funny

from The Kansas City Star’s Running Cerebro-Transmission, March 7, 2115:

Jason — Mon, 19 May 2008 23:17:03 +0000

By Jason M. Vaughn

The world was rocked this morning by the death of America’s first “immortal,” Madeline Marie Samms, who had only three months ago reached her 175th birthday. At around 6:45 a.m., a piano was accidentally dropped on her head as she stepped out of her first-floor Wyandotte County apartment on her way to the market. The irony is that she had once credited this daily walk as the biggest reason for her longevity. It was even more important, she had felt, than her nightly pink-lemonade-flavored telomerase cocktail, her weekly stem-cell injections, and her numerous casual-sex encounters.

“People can’t go a measly few blocks to get their organics?” she’d once wondered, incredulously shaking her head. “They gotta have ‘em delivered by one of those good-for-nothin’ robots? What’s this world comin’ to? That’s what I wanna know. ‘Cause them robots are kinda scary, if you ask me. I mean, why do their eyes have to be red like that? Why does one of their hands always have to be a claw hand? Why on earth do they gotta have a laser saw hangin’ off their shoulder at all times? For God sakes,” she continued, “what do they need teeth for? And just why do those teeth have to be all pointy, like shark teeth? You know, one of them things tried to help me across the street one time. I had to beat him off with my purse. Thought I was bein’ attacked.” (cont.)

Category: Information
Year: Beyond
Tags: futurefiction, fiction, scenario, piano

Predictions for the Near Future and Beyond

Jason — Sat, 17 May 2008 05:39:46 +0000

By Jason M. Vaughn

Not only will SMARTclothing alert you to cancer cells and potentially dangerous blood clots; it will also—-with complete confidence—-be able to tell you: “Yes, these jeans do make you look fat.”

Sooner than you think, at the Wendy’s drive-thru, you won’t be able to blame foreigners for speaking in garbled English. No, you will have only Consuelo to blame: Consuelo 3000, the legless order-taking animatron.

Polar bears will go extinct, and then there will be an extremely cute Seal Uprising from which Mankind may not recover.

Robot soldiers will one day fight our wars for us (completely), and perhaps, in moments when action is a bit slow on the battlefield, they’ll also take some time off to run diagnostics, or maybe even do “The Robot.”

After one romantic comedy too many, Ashton Kutcher will be banished to Greenland.

During one of Asimo’s tours of the Midwestern United States, a tragedy will ensue when, as a joke, someone places a knife in his “throwing” hand.

A young Hollywood starlet will come out with a book called The Red Licorice Diet. Two weeks later, after her mysterious death, the coroner’s report will say, simply: “She ate way too much licorice.” (cont.)

Category: Social Issues
Year: General
Tags: asimo, ashtonkutcher, redlicorice, mattel, barbie, tomcruise

Questions Only the Future (and Maybe Dionne Warwick) Can Answer

Jason — Fri, 16 May 2008 04:45:00 +0000

By Jason M. Vaughn

Will ABC’s “Lost” conclude in a way that leaves me fulfilled? Or will I still not understand what that smoke monster thingy is?

If Victoria’s Secret ever comes out with an invisible bra, could anyone promise me that this bra will also be edible and packed with synthetic anti-oxidants called “Victorias”?

Will Michael Jackson’s nose outlive him, and then, after a dip in some supercharged stem-cell bath, possibly regenerate a brand-new Michael, or at least come back on stormy nights to haunt Janet?

Will overpopulation drive certain less-than-stable individuals to the realization that humans would make an excellent food source? (cont.)

Category: Social Issues
Year: 2008

You Wish You Were Here

Jason — Sat, 17 May 2008 16:56:39 +0000

By Jason M. Vaughn

Here in glorious 2059, things are a bit different than they were back in, say, 2008. How so? Well, for one thing, a Starbucks coffee might have run you three dollars, back then, but now you can be sitting at home and just think of a Starbucks coffee, and your nanounit will “build” it for you and then automatically charge thirty dollars to your account!

Back in the neo “Dark Ages” of old 2008, you could only dream of having sex with androids, or watch actors pretending to have sex with androids in movies; heck, even just five years ago, sex with androids was still mostly frowned upon, and more painful, really, than pleasurable. But now, in 2059, everybody’s having sex with androids (even other androids!), and at worst it only causes a mild pinching…and degrades the android.

In case you’re wondering, we don’t use the word cool anymore (“cool” is so 2055). We use awesome now in most situations where cool would’ve been applied, except when we’re talking about the temperature: then we say “chilly” or “cold” or, in certain eco-important situations, “under-warm.” Some outsiders have recently started using awesome to describe chilly weather (“It’s awesome out,” they’ll say, or “Man, I wish it was just a little less awesome today,” or “Yesterday, it was so awesome I had to wear a jacket!”), but these people are hardly ever taken seriously, and, in some cases, they’ve even been banned from having their own talk shows.

Yep, 2059 is pretty fascinating, if you ask me. Oprah is still alive, and editing her magazine from the confines of a gelatin cocoon she shares with Dr. Oz and gal-pal, Gayle King. Madonna, and The Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As Prince, have just collaborated on a new album entitled Still Mostly Human (Madonna’s pseudo-butt looks great!). (cont.)

Category: Technology
Year: Beyond
Tags: futurefiction, fiction, oprah